It is said that no one reads blogs anymore. I, myself, have been susceptible to 30 second reels yet there is still something to be said for the written word.
Words that are written are set in stone, unless edited will continue to speak the life or death they bring.
I have been silent for 2 years, healing from traumatic mental abuse. In this time God appeared to be silent. I didn't sense His presence the way I used to therefore I thought perhaps, He didn't want to speak to me anymore.
That could not have been any further from the truth. He sat with me when I cried. He sang over me. He healed me through His constant care and trust in Him.
These all sound cliche' but allow me to explain.
I remember one night, I was parked in front of a Buccee's gas station, in Mobile, Alabama, on a trip to Texas to see my children for Christmas. It was cold. I was very uncomfortable as I tried to find a way to lay sitting up. (the car was full of things I was taking to the kids) I began to cry. I couldn't find a spot that allowed me to get some much needed sleep. Just then a song came on and the words were: "I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position, there are things you need to hear so turn off your tears and listen..."
Well, that got my attention. What happened next was as if I were being personally held by Jesus Christ Himself. I listened to the rest of the song, wiped my tears and started back driving, happy that He had seen me and answered my tears.
I know I said God has been silent and yet this is God speaking to me through a song. Yes, it is. God is always speaking but what does it mean when He is silent, when He doesn't communicate in the ways we were once used to?
Some say," Follow your last set of instructions." Well, what if it has been so long you can't remember the last set of instructions or you followed the last set of instructions and there hasn't been any other?
Here is the biggest question," Is God mad at me?"
No. He isn't. You have entered into a greater understanding in your relationship.
For example: If you have been married a long time, do you need to have constant conversation with your spouse or can the two of you sit quietly in a room together and still be content? Can you go about your day, in the same home, doing separate chores, knowing how each other feel and even what the other is thinking?"
I've experienced this. Another example would be mothers and their children when the mother is doing the cleaning and the children are busy playing. (old fashioned I know) Is anyone mad? No, content in the daily living and secure in the trust that has been built over time.
Grief seems to carry different levels of insanity with it and until the waves stop crashing against the shores of your soul, it is challenging to have clear thoughts. I spent the first 6 months crying everyday. Then, I held onto hope. Then I gave it to God and began to heal.
I began to think that my grieving had caused God to stop replying, that my bad habits and sin had run him off. We are none of us perfect yet. We are being perfected as we walk closer to Him. Was I doing enough of the right things? So, I started perfecting my habits and made sure I did my chores. It became very boring.
The mundane can also seem challenging after periods of time have passed in our walks with the Lord. I began doing the same thing everyday, same chores every week. Go to work. Come home from work, doing the mundane things a good girl should do. Read my bible, write, and pray, praying He would explain what has happened to me. My answer was silence.
Silence is not something the preachers are preaching these days.
It all seems as though it is a, "God is getting ready to bless you, God says repent, God says do this or do that."
What does it mean when God says nothing? Are you out of favor in the court of the heavenly kingdom? Have you been outcast and not worth answering? These are the questions of the dark place of one's soul when they feel excluded, unanswered.
I found myself scrolling through reels to find that one word that would resonate. I would read scriptures trying to find that one phrase that would jump off the page, prayed an old friend would call with the miraculous message I had been waiting to hear.
Silence.
No one would call. I was without any "best friend" though I do have great friends, there were no besties at this time. I had no life outside of work and home. Home was silent. The beach was silent. The car rides were silent. I had no pets, no one to take care of apart from my employees at work. When I was home, it was me and Jesus. I was alone with Him and it was quiet.
In having a conversation with some old Christian friends, ones who I had cared for, spent money and time on, gave them every ounce of my strength, they said God was punishing me. Ironic, considering I was no longer in a condition to give them money.
Going to church didn't even hold any answers. In fact, church had become a place where things appeared staged and performed. I visited different churches in hopes to find "the one". I didn't find it.
I had my church alone with God at home, and He was silent.
I'm not discouraging anyone from finding a good church home but I will encourage everyone not to legalize it to the point of limiting God's work in you.
You see. nothing was wrong. Nothing is wrong.
In my time alone I have been faced with no one to manage except me. I go to the grocery store for me, not my husband and five children. I pay the bills I made. I have no one's character and sins to examine but my own.
Is it lonely? It was and sometimes the opposer, the enemy, the adversary would like me to ask those questions I mentioned earlier.
Oswald Chambers writes an excellent article on the subject and says," when God is silent He was welcomed you into the very closest of intimacies."
Nothing is wrong when He is silent. The opposite is true. If you have done what you know to be right look around and see what He has done.
He has rescued me form Hurricanes, (I live in the Florida Keys) He has helped me to pay my bills, comforted me, loved me, helped me manage my job, and has never left me lonely. He has brought people to visit when most needed and kept harm from me every step of the way.
No, things don't look like they always have. The landscape has changed and the formula for life has become even more simple. Trust and obey Him. That is all.
Don't listen to the mainstream overstimulated media that makes you feel like you must be doing something, accomplishing something every second of every day. Just " Be." Be content in KNOWING His word is true when He said He would NEVER leave you or forsake you. He won't.
I will add, don't worship entertainment for the enemy would love you to stay distracted for the rest of your life. You were not created to watch T.V everyday. We both know it and we both do it.
The times I mentioned earlier, when my kids were playing and I was doing chores were some of the most content, perfect times of my life. Nothing was wrong because we weren't constantly speaking. We were living, them content in the trust that Mom was taking care of things, dad was at work and they had peace. I had peace. Everything was right with the world. It's like that with God. He is working all things for good for those that love the Lord.
Take a breath. It's ok. He is with you, and if He is silent, well done.
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